2007 was a bit of a wash-out for England in sport, so here are a few wishes for 2008:
• Football Croatia collectively fail a beta-urine test and are disqualified from Euro 2008. England are reinstated and Capello recalls Rodney Marsh, Trevor Brooking and Kevin Keegan to lead the line in Austria. After beating Italy in the semis, we thrash Germany six-nil in the final – every goal a replica of the disputed World Cup line-call in ’66. Franz Beckenbauer finally retires from punditry in disgust.
• Cricket Steve Harmison and Simon Jones return to form and scythe through the Aussies as we recapture the Ashes in a five-nil whitewash. Shane Warne is abducted by the Barmy Army and held hostage for three weeks until the Australian government grudgingly pays the £3.50 ransom.
• F1 Lewis Hamilton clinches the world title after a 27-car pile up in the last race – caused by Jenson Button showboating at the start – allows him to pick up maximum points just by finishing.
• Rowing/three-day eventing/ice dance These ‘sports’ are banned indefinitely.
(Image: from YouTube)