Pssst… Wanna buy a player?

This transcript of a meeting is not from tape recordings made by our undercover reporter – because we totally made it up.


Let’s call the manager Mr Yellow. Let’s call the agent Mr Pink. Let’s call the player Carlos Kickabout.

Mr Pink: Wanna buy Carlos Kickabout?

Mr Yellow: Don’t be stupid. He’s happy at Real Acrobatico… Isn’t he?

Mr Pink: He’s happy at Real Acrobatico, alright. But he’d be happier sitting on the bench here (keeping one of our talented home-grown youngsters out of the first-team squad), if you paid him an extra £5billon a week.

Mr Yellow: Ooh… sounds expensive. Won’t that put a huge unnecessary financial burden on the club – when, for a much smaller short-term investment we could bring on one of the Academy lads?

Mr Pink: Yeah, suppose so.

Mr Yellow: Plus, surely bringing in distinctly average foreign players simply dilutes our own home-grown talent, leaving the entire league and national team structure short of decent English players?

Mr Pink: You’re right.

Mr Yellow: And, surely, only if managers nurture home-grown talent into their first-team squads now and clubs help financially to seed grass roots football can we ever hope to have a crop of players who are likely to win a major tournament?

Mr Pink: Like the French did so successfully in the 90s?

Mr Yellow: Yep.

Mr Pink: But if we don’t sign Carlos Kickabout, we wouldn’t each get our 50grand ‘arrangement’ fee. Isn’t your wife’s 60th birthday coming up? Won’t pay for itself…

Mr Yellow: Where do I sign?

(Image: from mrpattersonsir’s flickr stream)

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