Not going anywhere

Rumours had been circulating that would bring join and spring to the hearts of football fans up and down the country, the sort of news that brings gasps of ‘finally’ and encourages managers to ask club owners for a bag of money to invest in their teams: Alex Ferguson retiring from football management.

Alas, it’s not to be. The man himself has come out and quashed those rumours like a man who wants no truck with any idea of him giving up his seat at England’s biggest club. So it looks like his reign of terror will being continuing for a while yet, with other clubs wondering how on earth this mediocre United team keeps winning stuff, over and over again.

‘It is rubbish,’ cackled Ferguson, stroking his pet cat in a menacing fashion. ‘I have no intention of retiring and if I did the people I would tell are David Gill and the Glazer family. The only thing that determines whether I stay here is my health. And I am in rude health.’

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