Nice balls

More hilarious ball-and-cue-related innuendo from the world of snooker, where the tension is being ratcheted up. The tournament has left the flaccid, barely erotic early stages of the UK Championship (akin to teenage fumbling with trainer bras) and entered the semi-finals, when interest starts to rise considerably. We’re not at the rock hard final stage yet, but there’s plenty of anticipation of things to come.

Steven ‘Smooth Action’ Maguire and Ding ‘Your Girlfriend’ Junhui both progressed to their respective semis, Maguire with an arrogant dry rooting of Peter ‘Surprise Package’ Lines, while Ding took a bit more time to finish his opponent off, caressing Ali Carter to a romantic 9-8 defeat.

‘I thought I was getting better this week but I struggled in that final session, I was a little bit careless,’ said Maguire. ‘I'm in the semi-finals of the UK, so there's something there. But nobody's really fired on full cylinders yet against me. If somebody does that, I'll need to see whether I've got the game to contend with them. If someone comes in against me and scores really heavily, I'm going to need to improve.’ Ronnie O’Sullivan is currently fluttering his eyelashes in his quarter final, and we’ll soon see if his stuff is stern enough to make the semis.

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