Monkeys control Scottish football claims Hearts owner

Scottish football is controlled by monkeys. That was the suggestion of Vladimir Romanov, who is not an authority on primates, but the owner of Hearts football club.

The colourful Russian-Lithuanian businessman is attempting to sell the club, and in the meantime Hearts have been struggling to balance their books, with players complaining about being unpaid. The SPL instructed Hearts to pay wages and the club complied, but Romanov blames media pressure.

"As soon as Hearts moved closer to the third spot the monkeys start to squeal, lie and create conspiracy plots," he posted on the club website. "I thought I had expressed myself clearly – I am selling the club and I am not going to give any more money away.

"It is pointless to support showbusiness, not football. Hearts is now living out of its own budget. Everyone knew, including players, media and SPL, that the wages are going to be paid as soon as the money was received for Eggert Jonsson, who was sold last year.

"But media still tried to create conspiracy plots about the team and managed to get a prompt and unwise decision from the SPL meeting, which the club asked it to postpone until next week in order to get opportunity to pay the wages. As such I have not cheated anyone.

"The monkeys tricked the SPL, fans and themselves and showed who is in charge of the football mafia."

The media monkeys responded by throwing a messy tea party, then stealing Romanov’s hat and taking it up a tree.

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