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Liverpool not for sale

Liverpool's Yankee Doodle Soccerball owner Tom the Talleyman Hicks has said that he doesn't plan to sell his shares in the club.

According to the papers, Hicks and George Gillett have been looking to flog the Red Reds to the highest bidder. But the Hickster has come out all guns blazing in a statement released today. He says that he will never sell his beloved Really Reds to the Dubai International Capital (DIC).

Hicks read his statement while being ferried across the Mersey. Subsequently, he broke into an off the cuff, emotional rendition of You'll Never Walk Alone just after he had announced that he's changing his name to Paisley Shankly. Well not really.

Instead the Texan tycoon outlined his personal take on the theory of phenomenological reality. "The reality is that I am personally, professionally and financially committed to the club and its supporters and that I will continue to honour that commitment to the best of my ability now and in the future," he stated while celebrating Everton's 2-0 win over City last night.

Over the weekend the Hickster's son, the imaginatively named Tom Hicks Jr, was mistaken for Kudu dung spitting champion and Sandon pub regular Shaun van Rensburg. Liverpool fans paid tribute to the South African's 2006 world record spit of 15.56 metres by showering Tom Jr with 1980s Heavy Metal style gobbers. On discovering the embarrassing case of mistaken identity the fans obligingly washed Hickster Jr off with lager. And who said that chivalry was dead?

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